Friday, September 26, 2014


I have always known I wanted to be a mom. I always felt like I would be a good mom. I always felt that being a mom was my main purpose in life. But now that I actually am a mom-I am surprised daily just how right and perfect life all the sudden is.

The moment Milan was placed on my chest it was like a light switch flipped on inside of me. A light switch welcoming a sort of love I didn’t know I was capable of. A light switch that changed my whole demeanor and outlook on life.

I have always been a worrier. I stress and overwhelm myself quite easily. I think too much about everything and make myself sick over the littlest things; but not anymore. I have been so relaxed and calm since becoming a mother. Quite ironic to me- I was sure my anxiety and stress would go through the roof worrying about my little baby and if I was doing my best to give her what she deserves. I was sure my mind would be filled with self doubt and feelings of incompetence. Quite the opposite has happened.

I constantly feel like I am in a state of euphoria, full of peace and pure joy. Holding Milan up against my chest, watching her sleep, seeing her eyes explore this world that is so new to her-these are the things that make me feel complete, make me feel like the most successful person in the world, and fill my entire body with the purest form of love.

Now I may not have a college degree, I may have very minimal work experience, I may not be wealthy by worldly definition-but I am a mom and to me that is more valuable than anything else in life. Milan has blessed me more in her two weeks of life than I probably will ever bless her.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


Prepare for the most random post ever! Milan is napping and I am freshly showered so I finally feel like I have a second to jot down a little about life! I wish I could somehow blog every second of life lately because I don’t want to forget a single second; yet that would require me to put down my soft, squishy, cuddly baby and I am just not willing to do that just yet!

Anyways! We went up to Richmond this past weekend to visit family and kinda help my parents move into their new house! I mean I am a week postpartum and Michael had 10000 hours of studying to do so we weren’t much help, but we brought the cute baby to offer as a distraction and no one got mad:)

Milan slept the entire 4 hour car ride up! Oh isn’t she perfect? Haha we did have to stop once on our way back for her to feed but other than that she was perfect!

Now that we are back home and Michael is back to work (wahhhhh) my days pretty much go like this wake up, feed, stare at my baby, snuggle my baby, stare some more, change diaper (hers;)), get dressed, both of us sleep, wake up, feed, dad comes home for lunch, I shower, she sleeps, eats, sleeps, eats. We got a pretty good schedule going on here. I thought I would feel rather unproductive just sitting snuggling my baby girl all day everyday, but it’s the total opposite. I have never felt more fulfilled or proud of myself in my life! She is what I’ve waited so long for!

I want to remember that little belly button!
Someone blew out her diaper and peed all over mamas bed during the change-so she got a midday bath and was smelling oh so yummy!
I LOVE LOVE morning time with this girl! she's so wide awake just looking around!  
Being outside is Milan's FAVORITE. I've never heard her make a peep outside and it will stop her crying in a second!
On our way home from her 1 week doctor's appointment (which by the way-yay for being back to her birth weight!) of course we had to stop at this darling pumpkin patch! So excited for fall! 
So peaceful! 
You think she's sick of my kisses yet??? To bad little lady! 
struggling to stay awake after bath time!
The faces this girl makes just kill me! 
uhh mom? 
Sooo thats how she fit in my belly! Daddies girl already!
Baby stretches and baby toes in one picture! 

Saturday, September 20, 2014



I have been wracking my brains on how to even put my birth experience into words. It was the most out of body experience. I literally felt like I was not here, that was not me or my body that was doing this. To this day almost 3 weeks later I am still in awe of myself.

It didn’t start off as I thought it would have. I went into my regular prenatal appointment on Wednesday afternoon at 4 pm. I was having some issues with my Chiari Malformation that I knew were cause of concern, yet my midwife and triage nurses weren’t taking me seriously. Things were getting worse and I was getting nervous. I was extremely light headed and dizzy, my arms and legs started to go tingly numb, and I had extreme pressure behind my eyes, which was causing my vision to blur. I finally put my foot down and was kind of bratty (I just knew something wasn’t right and wasn’t going to sit back and let things get worse) and demanded to see the doctor that owns the practice I had been going to instead of just the midwives. I spoke with him for not even 5 minutes, he looked up my file and saw the notes from my specialist I had seen earlier on and immediately sent me on my way to be induced. The issue that was for concern is that all these symptoms are signs of increased cranial pressure and decreased CSF fluid around my brain-which can cause a whole other sort of problems. I was NOT expecting to be sent to the hospital right then and there. I was thinking maybe that evening or the next morning. Nope he called labor and delivery right there and told me they were expecting me. Holy cow. I was strangely calm. I went home to get our stuff together, do the dishes, and throw in the laundry and we were on our way! (oh and of course stopped for some 5 guys)

After we got all signed in, changed, and hooked up it was about 7:30 when they started me on the Pitocin. I was already having regular contractions on my own every 5 minutes but the Pitocin was just going to make them stronger. I had called my mom at the doctors and she was on her way and got there around 8:30. I was still feeling pretty good at this point, we decided to turn on Bachelor in Paradise because I was sure it would be a while, inductions are known for being longer. I made it about 5 minutes into the episode before I couldn’t focus through the contractions. They were 100% in my lower back, I hardly felt anything upfront, but that’s all I had felt up until then too. They felt like someone was trying to pull my spine out of my body. I was still able to grab Michael’s hand and put it where I wanted him to apply pressure which kind of helped! 

Around 11:30 they were really really painful. It no longer felt like someone was TRYING to rip out my spine, but that they had succeeded. This is when I asked for the IV drugs to hold me over until I got my epidural. Let me tell ya-those do absolutely NOTHING for the pain. I still felt every ounce but it just made me lose control of my body. In between contractions I just went completely limp. While I was kind of sleeping to get through the pain I felt what felt like a big movement on baby’s part, then a pop and a gush of warm water, I immediately woke up and started crying- I think it was out of embarrassment and the fact that I got it all over Michael’s pillow that was in between my legs.

The nurse came in and confirmed that it was my water breaking, which made me excited and nervous cause I knew that meant the contractions were about to get a lot worse. I went for about another hour and called the nurse to ask for the epidural now. I was crying and screaming through every contraction-obviously not what I wanted and I was exhausted and just wanted some relief- something to help me relax. She checked me and said I was at a 6 but in my file it said that I was not allowed to get an epidural. I tried to explain to her that yes at first I wasn’t allowed to but 2 weeks ago I met with an anesthesiologist and he went over all my files and gave me the go ahead. She was not having it so she sent the anesthesiologist in to explain to me why I couldn’t. At this point contractions were every 45 seconds so it was really hard to try to have this conversation with her; but she basically really emphasized that she does not recommend it because of the risks with my Chiari. She just kept saying the risks the risks, finally through the pain I asked what was the risk because at this point I would have taken anything to get rid of this pain. Unfortunately the risk included a comatose state and that was enough for me to rule that out. I was bawling at this point. I mean bawling. I had not mentally prepared to go natural in the slightest. I wanted to be relaxed and enjoy this experience; I wanted it to be peaceful and beautiful. I couldn’t even make eye contact with my husband to take in what was happening. I wanted to be able to look over at him and smile and say “we’re so close to meeting our girl!” I couldn’t even talk. I was screaming and thrashing, hooked up to the oxygen mask because I could not breath through the pain. This is not what I envisioned. I had not read any natural birthing books, practiced any breathing, I could not do this. When I first got checked into the hospital the lady in the room next to me was screaming uncontrollably and we were all kinda making fun of that and the nurses kept saying “oh don’t worry 90% of people don’t scream like you see in movies.” While technically she was right about it’s not like in the movies, she meant it wasn’t as bad, while for me it was so much worse. If I were in a movie I would be the person getting eating by coyotes or something that’s how bad I was thrashing and screaming. My apologies to the lady I kind of made fun of for being over dramatic in the room next to me.  I kept saying I can’t do this-give me the C-section, give me the C-section. Obviously they weren’t going to but I wanted anything to help with the pain.

I don’t remember much after this because the pain was mind consuming. Literally took me to another place paired with a brief break where I came back and realized what was going on-which only scared me more and sent me into a panic mode, then I would feel another contraction coming and I would “go somewhere else” as strange as that sounds. So most of here on until delivery is what Michael and my mom told me. My eyes kept rolling in the back of my head and I was turning purple from not being able to breath. I had maybe 15-30 seconds between the contractions and all I could say in between is “no no I don’t want another one.”  Suddenly I remember feeling a different pain and saying “something is wrong I need to be checked!” and my mom grabbing the nurse -I was at an 8! Both my mom and Michael’s face lit up and smiled at me saying you’re almost there! You can do it! And all I was thinking was “8?? Only an 8? I can’t go any further!”

I swear it was only 5 minutes later when I pushed myself up, supported myself on my elbows and was screaming, “Something is wrong!” I’m sure the nurses were just thinking oh you crazy first time mom! The nurse checked me and screamed “She’s 10 +2!” and all the sudden the room started going crazy. So many more people were all the sudden surrounding me. My main nurse looked me straight in the eye and said, “don’t push! Doctor isn’t here yet!” all I could think was “then lady you better get ready to catch this baby cause I have no control at this point, I HAVE to push!” The one nurse looked at me; probably seeing the panic in my eyes and said “Don’t worry we have a midwife here and we have all delivered plenty of babies.” I looked up to see the midwife she was talking about. This lady looked like she had just seen a ghost. She looked terrified! She was standing about 6 feet back from me eyes wide open blank stare. Real comforting lady.

I literally had no control over if I was pushing or not, my body knew I needed to push so it pushed! They wouldn’t even put up the stirrups for me and kept saying wait for the doctor! My mom and Michael kept saying, “I can see her hair! She has so much hair!”

Luckily in walks my doctor-all calm cool and collected! They threw up the stirrups and put my legs in them and immediately started counting! I pushed through 2 pushes and she was out!! Oh glorious day! They kept her down there for a few seconds, what felt like hours and I was so worried something was wrong. Honestly I don’t know why they kept her there for that time, but she was perfectly healthy! They invited Michael down to cut the cord and then brought her up on my chest!

I still was having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that that was me, holding my baby, looking at my husband. All just felt like a dream. I couldn’t believe what I had just done, what my body just went through. This perfect baby on my chest was MINE. It was the most amazing feeling. Every time I look at her I feel that same feeling of complete and total awe. Our time in the hospital was so peaceful and calm-of course after she was on my chest. Crazy how fast the energy in the room died down, even crazier how fast I snapped back to reality- which is a blessing of natural birth, as soon as the pain stopped I was back to myself 100% there not loopy anymore!

Even if it was not at all what I wanted, I still feel so blessed with my labor experience. I’m grateful it all was relatively fast-I don’t know if I could have done much longer than the hard 3-4 hours that I did. I feel blessed with the perfect baby girl I now have, and holy moly am I grateful for my supportive husband and encouraging mom. It is clear from my birth pictures that I could NOT have done that on my own. They were my backbone and my strength when I didn’t feel like I had any. (sorry about all the bruises you have on your arms babe)

God sure was thinkin when he made babies so dang cute or I would never want to do labor again!