Saturday, September 20, 2014


I have been wracking my brains on how to even put my birth experience into words. It was the most out of body experience. I literally felt like I was not here, that was not me or my body that was doing this. To this day almost 3 weeks later I am still in awe of myself.

It didn’t start off as I thought it would have. I went into my regular prenatal appointment on Wednesday afternoon at 4 pm. I was having some issues with my Chiari Malformation that I knew were cause of concern, yet my midwife and triage nurses weren’t taking me seriously. Things were getting worse and I was getting nervous. I was extremely light headed and dizzy, my arms and legs started to go tingly numb, and I had extreme pressure behind my eyes, which was causing my vision to blur. I finally put my foot down and was kind of bratty (I just knew something wasn’t right and wasn’t going to sit back and let things get worse) and demanded to see the doctor that owns the practice I had been going to instead of just the midwives. I spoke with him for not even 5 minutes, he looked up my file and saw the notes from my specialist I had seen earlier on and immediately sent me on my way to be induced. The issue that was for concern is that all these symptoms are signs of increased cranial pressure and decreased CSF fluid around my brain-which can cause a whole other sort of problems. I was NOT expecting to be sent to the hospital right then and there. I was thinking maybe that evening or the next morning. Nope he called labor and delivery right there and told me they were expecting me. Holy cow. I was strangely calm. I went home to get our stuff together, do the dishes, and throw in the laundry and we were on our way! (oh and of course stopped for some 5 guys)

After we got all signed in, changed, and hooked up it was about 7:30 when they started me on the Pitocin. I was already having regular contractions on my own every 5 minutes but the Pitocin was just going to make them stronger. I had called my mom at the doctors and she was on her way and got there around 8:30. I was still feeling pretty good at this point, we decided to turn on Bachelor in Paradise because I was sure it would be a while, inductions are known for being longer. I made it about 5 minutes into the episode before I couldn’t focus through the contractions. They were 100% in my lower back, I hardly felt anything upfront, but that’s all I had felt up until then too. They felt like someone was trying to pull my spine out of my body. I was still able to grab Michael’s hand and put it where I wanted him to apply pressure which kind of helped! 

Around 11:30 they were really really painful. It no longer felt like someone was TRYING to rip out my spine, but that they had succeeded. This is when I asked for the IV drugs to hold me over until I got my epidural. Let me tell ya-those do absolutely NOTHING for the pain. I still felt every ounce but it just made me lose control of my body. In between contractions I just went completely limp. While I was kind of sleeping to get through the pain I felt what felt like a big movement on baby’s part, then a pop and a gush of warm water, I immediately woke up and started crying- I think it was out of embarrassment and the fact that I got it all over Michael’s pillow that was in between my legs.

The nurse came in and confirmed that it was my water breaking, which made me excited and nervous cause I knew that meant the contractions were about to get a lot worse. I went for about another hour and called the nurse to ask for the epidural now. I was crying and screaming through every contraction-obviously not what I wanted and I was exhausted and just wanted some relief- something to help me relax. She checked me and said I was at a 6 but in my file it said that I was not allowed to get an epidural. I tried to explain to her that yes at first I wasn’t allowed to but 2 weeks ago I met with an anesthesiologist and he went over all my files and gave me the go ahead. She was not having it so she sent the anesthesiologist in to explain to me why I couldn’t. At this point contractions were every 45 seconds so it was really hard to try to have this conversation with her; but she basically really emphasized that she does not recommend it because of the risks with my Chiari. She just kept saying the risks the risks, finally through the pain I asked what was the risk because at this point I would have taken anything to get rid of this pain. Unfortunately the risk included a comatose state and that was enough for me to rule that out. I was bawling at this point. I mean bawling. I had not mentally prepared to go natural in the slightest. I wanted to be relaxed and enjoy this experience; I wanted it to be peaceful and beautiful. I couldn’t even make eye contact with my husband to take in what was happening. I wanted to be able to look over at him and smile and say “we’re so close to meeting our girl!” I couldn’t even talk. I was screaming and thrashing, hooked up to the oxygen mask because I could not breath through the pain. This is not what I envisioned. I had not read any natural birthing books, practiced any breathing, I could not do this. When I first got checked into the hospital the lady in the room next to me was screaming uncontrollably and we were all kinda making fun of that and the nurses kept saying “oh don’t worry 90% of people don’t scream like you see in movies.” While technically she was right about it’s not like in the movies, she meant it wasn’t as bad, while for me it was so much worse. If I were in a movie I would be the person getting eating by coyotes or something that’s how bad I was thrashing and screaming. My apologies to the lady I kind of made fun of for being over dramatic in the room next to me.  I kept saying I can’t do this-give me the C-section, give me the C-section. Obviously they weren’t going to but I wanted anything to help with the pain.

I don’t remember much after this because the pain was mind consuming. Literally took me to another place paired with a brief break where I came back and realized what was going on-which only scared me more and sent me into a panic mode, then I would feel another contraction coming and I would “go somewhere else” as strange as that sounds. So most of here on until delivery is what Michael and my mom told me. My eyes kept rolling in the back of my head and I was turning purple from not being able to breath. I had maybe 15-30 seconds between the contractions and all I could say in between is “no no I don’t want another one.”  Suddenly I remember feeling a different pain and saying “something is wrong I need to be checked!” and my mom grabbing the nurse -I was at an 8! Both my mom and Michael’s face lit up and smiled at me saying you’re almost there! You can do it! And all I was thinking was “8?? Only an 8? I can’t go any further!”

I swear it was only 5 minutes later when I pushed myself up, supported myself on my elbows and was screaming, “Something is wrong!” I’m sure the nurses were just thinking oh you crazy first time mom! The nurse checked me and screamed “She’s 10 +2!” and all the sudden the room started going crazy. So many more people were all the sudden surrounding me. My main nurse looked me straight in the eye and said, “don’t push! Doctor isn’t here yet!” all I could think was “then lady you better get ready to catch this baby cause I have no control at this point, I HAVE to push!” The one nurse looked at me; probably seeing the panic in my eyes and said “Don’t worry we have a midwife here and we have all delivered plenty of babies.” I looked up to see the midwife she was talking about. This lady looked like she had just seen a ghost. She looked terrified! She was standing about 6 feet back from me eyes wide open blank stare. Real comforting lady.

I literally had no control over if I was pushing or not, my body knew I needed to push so it pushed! They wouldn’t even put up the stirrups for me and kept saying wait for the doctor! My mom and Michael kept saying, “I can see her hair! She has so much hair!”

Luckily in walks my doctor-all calm cool and collected! They threw up the stirrups and put my legs in them and immediately started counting! I pushed through 2 pushes and she was out!! Oh glorious day! They kept her down there for a few seconds, what felt like hours and I was so worried something was wrong. Honestly I don’t know why they kept her there for that time, but she was perfectly healthy! They invited Michael down to cut the cord and then brought her up on my chest!

I still was having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that that was me, holding my baby, looking at my husband. All just felt like a dream. I couldn’t believe what I had just done, what my body just went through. This perfect baby on my chest was MINE. It was the most amazing feeling. Every time I look at her I feel that same feeling of complete and total awe. Our time in the hospital was so peaceful and calm-of course after she was on my chest. Crazy how fast the energy in the room died down, even crazier how fast I snapped back to reality- which is a blessing of natural birth, as soon as the pain stopped I was back to myself 100% there not loopy anymore!

Even if it was not at all what I wanted, I still feel so blessed with my labor experience. I’m grateful it all was relatively fast-I don’t know if I could have done much longer than the hard 3-4 hours that I did. I feel blessed with the perfect baby girl I now have, and holy moly am I grateful for my supportive husband and encouraging mom. It is clear from my birth pictures that I could NOT have done that on my own. They were my backbone and my strength when I didn’t feel like I had any. (sorry about all the bruises you have on your arms babe)

God sure was thinkin when he made babies so dang cute or I would never want to do labor again!


  1. Good heck you are TOUGH to go through that. Stunning pictures!!

  2. Holy, girl you are a champ. Seriously. Labor is scary, beautiful, and hard freaking work. You are a rockstar! And so is that beautiful little girl of yours!!

    Congrats! Babies rock.

  3. I think you should be freakin proud of your birth story girl!! If I could go natural, I would. You amaze me!! Women are so strong and you are just a perfect example of this :) Congrats on that beautiful baby girl :)

  4. You're my hero!! So happy everything turned out okay!

  5. Such amazing photos. I'm a sucker for a good birth story too ;)

  6. You and I had completely opposite birth experiences. I had read all the books, gone to all the classes for a natural birth. I ended up with an epidural ;) It sounds like we both had the perfect labor experience, though. Congrats on your baby girl!

  7. i am SO sorry your labor was such a scary & frustrating experience. but it is so true how absolutely amazing the human body is. what a miracle!! hope you are enjoying your little lady!! she is just beautiful!!